"2021 was my best year EVER!"

New Year’s Day was a time for special rituals back when I was a liberal. I’d take a walk in the woods by my house, soul-searching my goals for the next twelve months. Then I’d describe them, writing in the past tense as if it were the following year, as if I’d already achieved my aspirations. “What a triumph my fundraising gala was, raising the profile of my non-profit from a local joke to an international sensation.” Tee hee! As if.

I was a new-age “co-creator with God” back then. Then the woods by my old house were clearcut. I’ve evolved into a jaded conservative, more defeatist than humble about God’s will. I know exactly what God should do, but darn it, He won’t listen to me! Nonetheless, today I’ll resurrect my old idealism, pretend it’s 2022, and describe 2021 as if God and I were in sync.

 

“New Year’s Eve in DC was a riot! Thankfully, not literally, since Trump spent 2021 reestablishing law and order in all the former Democrat enclaves of crime and mayhem. Everywhere was pure jubilation, with strangers kissing and hugging like Armistice Day. Maybe I shouldn’t have spent the night with that fellow reveler I met waiting at the White House crosswalk. But when I told him I was going to sleep on someone’s floor, he was a gentleman about it (we hardly did anything!) and invited me to share the relative luxury of his cozy hotel room just a couple blocks away. Cuddling in a stranger’s arms was the perfect metaphor for a new year, with all its promise and uncertainty.

Anyone with a clue spent the entire past year in dread of what new sedition, sabotage and terrorism the “Resistance” (elite secret societies and their satanic minions) would pull. More “mutated virus” hysteria, more “white supremacist” false flags, more UFOs to get the sheeple to stampede to the wolves for protection…? Yet the Deep-State cabal had already jumped the shark back in February. Didn’t they realize that even terror gets boring? Ordinary citizens began to feel courageous and hopeful just for the sheer novelty of it.

The riots had become a tedious routine by 2021 Inauguration Day. Not long after, the celebrity suicide bombers began to seem like “just more of same.” Not to say that I wasn’t shocked when George Clooney detonated himself at the Washington Monument. But Madonna had already stolen his thunder (so to speak) on the Golden Globes livestream. And the rest of the Hollywood “copy cats” just conditioned ordinary folks to flee in disgust whenever they saw any high-profile personality in the flesh. The phenomenon helped erode public respect for the disinfotainment industry just as their Chinese communist backing was exposed.

Of course it took Trump’s activation of the Emergency Broadcast System, battalions of sky-writing planes, and the entire National Guard to get the truth to mainstream-media believers. “China has infiltrated all institutions,” they warned the populace. I was on one of the volunteer teams that canvassed neighborhoods to confirm that our country was under stealth attack. “China rigging the election was the tip of the iceberg. Patriots are not your enemy,” I explained to grim faces peering skeptically out their doorways. “China is our enemy, and we have to stop the Americans who are helping China destroy democracy.” Many of those befuddled TV watchers eventually left their couches and joined our “Truth Brigades” out pounding the sidewalks door-to-door.

By Spring, the message had penetrated the skull of even the dullest Trump Derangement victim. Hordes of communist operatives fled to China. Arrests of the worst propagandists (for complicity in felony election fraud) had reformed media to the extent that they broadcast the trials of the remaining anti-USA saboteurs. At least characters like attorney Lin Wood made the proceedings entertaining, especially when he brought out elite blackmailer Jeffrey Epstein as a surprise witness.

In contrast to last year’s absurd lockdowns, the warm weather inspired the greatest transformation of our communities. Every weekend saw neighborhood picnics with genuine camaraderie across the spectrum of political persuasions (documented abundantly on censorship-free Facebook, with former CEO Zuckerberg in jail for election interference). Finally recognizing our common enemy, citizens reached out to one another in a way not seen since World War II. Free outdoor concerts helped bridge the divide. Mediators held forums. Marxists admitted there is no way to protect huge social programs from criminal racketeering. Conservatives admitted that protecting the environment is an important priority. Both sides agreed that the top political parties were too corrupt to survive; the Patriot Party and the Green Party attracted promising candidates for 2022. “Imagine, that may be the first time in decades that our votes really are counted!”

Maybe I shouldn’t have slept with that guy I met at the patriots’ event in Pioneer Square. But I was overtaken by the thrill of seeing downtown Portland rebuilt, reopened and free of racist graffiti. Even the elk statue was back up. We walked together from store to store and along the riverfront, both beaming with optimism that was reflected in everyone we chatted up. Sharing so much joy, we both grew exhausted at the same time and ended up getting a hotel room at the Benson. We’re both trying to be good Christians so we guiltily avoided each other after that. Being a slut is probably the only thing I miss about being a liberal!

Officials who were proven to be compromised by China (from Mitch McConnell to our own Gov. Brown) were all replaced by the end of the summer. Labor Day was the last major false-flag attack, unraveled by the now-reformed FBI and declared to be a practical joke: all across the nation, “hickory-flavored” barbecue charcoal had imparted the taste of Chinese five-spice pork as it sparkled with embedded fireworks. No one was hurt, and the tampering was actually delicious. No suspects were arrested, so it’s pure conjecture that the perpetrators were a faction of American acupuncturists trying to inject levity into international tensions.

By Thanksgiving, the economy was booming like never before. Donations to charities broke all records. My little non-profit, FangedWilds.org, had finally taken off, bringing tree huggers, feminists and conservatives together to protect large predators like bears, wolves and cougars from conflict with civilization. My audiences were intrigued by the connection between empowering women, carrying firearms, and maintaining a balanced ecosystem with abundant wildlife.

I gave a big holiday party. As it wound down, the guests shared wistful anecdotes about how the covid hysteria had diminished their festivities in 2020. “We ended up as a sort of Meals on Wheels, delivering Thanksgiving dinner platters to our brainwashed relatives who were scared to leave their houses. They finally realize how they’d been intentionally manipulated and controlled by fear.” We had a good laugh about the cucked masses. My friend said, “I was shaken by how many seemingly intelligent people acquiesced to such massive fraud and misuse of power. But we survived the zombie apocalypse!” She proposed a toast: “To zombie slayers!”

That cute Christian guy (who I hadn’t expected to show up) added, “May all the zombies be reborn as defenders of our Constitutional rights!” Before he left, he asked me what I was doing for New Year’s.

I told him I’d be in Washington DC. I hope he never finds out the indiscretion I indulged in there. He said he really wants to see me in January. I dare say 2021 was the best year I ever had. Will 2022 be even better???

The author VC Bestor is Director of the

non-profit FangedWilds.org.

"Find the meat of the matter"

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